not trying

My mom yells all the time.  i moved my some of my shit into yiayia's house about a week.  i should be working on my resume.  i like the way i wrote my last post...i guess i feel like i've lost my writer's voice over the course of the last year.  Note how i'm barely trying to use correct capitalization.  whatever.

i am writing in such a way...and I see it...and I make a note to self...

i am in the process of leaving david.  I guess this is what they call cold feet?  But, in actuality i was never actually happy with him.  it's like I forced myself to love him because I felt like it would be best.  and when i try to feel love it's almost like its intangible.  like it's cold in there...i would rather not try.

this is sounding so depressing.

i yelled at him all the time.  i didn't like the person I was becoming...the person he was becoming.
i tried.  i know i did.  but i didn't have to.

I should have left him a year ago but i didn't have the courage, the intensity, or the will to pull through with it.

i thought this would be more fun, but it's just turned out to be a sob story.

fuck it

i could force myself to be more uppity...like when you force a smile.  i guess that feels a teeny bit nicer. i met with a banker today to see if i could take out a loan, but saw that it wasn't possible.  i just have this crazy amount of college-student debt.  now i'm even thinking about taking out another loan so that I could go for my master's...i have been thinking about pursuing creative writing...but, i have not been feeling inspired to write in such a long time.  maybe i just need to feel the environment, or to have a push, to motivate me.  i should use my creative block.  i want to travel.

i don't want to go back to dave.  i don't want to feel like i'm trapped in his mess.

i need to do more work...iiiiiiiiii why can't i talk about anything else other than "I"

yuck.

FUCK.

25.  life is a quarter of the way over, and i've handled it terribly so far.
i mean, shit.  there's always room for improvement.

i've got to try.